It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
