She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
