Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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