There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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