gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
