I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
