When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
