I can tuck mytits in my pants
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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