the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
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