I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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