my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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