I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
