Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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