We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
