Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
how drunk are you?
Several
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
