I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
