mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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