mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
