plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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