Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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