problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
