i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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