Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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