thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
