Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
You took a bar mat shot.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
