genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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