thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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