we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
