I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
