well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
