Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
