I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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