Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
