I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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