if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
