and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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