How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
