my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I think I just sharted jello shots
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