i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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