I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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