checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
