Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
