I want to walk on stilts...naked
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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