a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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