Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
