I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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