According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
