wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
How's work?
Spinning.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
