I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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