No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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