My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
